Here’s a fun and dramatized 500-word parody-style take on that breaking news:
BREAKING: Nico Reportedly Signs with Kent State in Historic $110 Million Walmart Card Deal
In what can only be described as the most unexpected and hilariously lucrative college sports move of the decade, rising star athlete Nico has reportedly signed with Kent State University in a deal that’s turning heads nationwide—not for cash, but for a staggering $110 million Walmart gift card.
Yes, you read that right. Sources close to the situation confirmed early Wednesday morning that Nico, known for his flashy moves on the court and unmatched confidence off it, has turned down multiple offers from top-tier programs in favor of becoming a Golden Flash… and shopping at Walmart for life.
The bizarre but apparently very real deal has left fans, analysts, and even Kent State’s head coach speechless.
“We were prepared to offer a solid NIL package,” the coach said. “But when Nico’s reps said the magic words—‘Walmart card’—we knew this was bigger than basketball. This was history.”
The massive retail-based compensation package reportedly includes unlimited access to Walmart’s electronics section, 24/7 shopping privileges, and even a golden buggy (shopping cart) with his name engraved on it. Insiders claim Nico requested weekly restocks of Hot Cheetos, flat-screen TVs, and limited-edition Funko Pops as part of his contract.
While some critics have questioned the logic of the deal, especially with NCAA regulations and basic financial planning, others argue it’s genius.
“He doesn’t have to worry about inflation, taxes, or investment portfolios,” said one sports business analyst. “He just walks in and buys socks, gaming chairs, and rotisserie chickens at will. That’s power.”
Walmart has yet to officially comment on the arrangement, but they did post a cryptic tweet shortly after the news broke: “Welcome to the family, Nico. Rollback legend incoming.”
The reaction from college basketball Twitter has been explosive. Memes are flooding timelines, with one viral post showing Nico dribbling through the toy aisle while a referee blows a whistle in the background. Another shows him dunking over a mountain of Sam’s Choice soda packs.
Not to be outdone, Kent State fans are already rallying around their new star, with a student-led initiative to rename their arena “The Supercenter.”
Nico himself has stayed mostly silent—except for a quick IG Story where he’s seen swiping his new card with the caption: “Can’t guard me or my savings.”
The NCAA is said to be reviewing the “gift card clause” as part of NIL legislation, but as of now, the deal stands.
And so, with a shopping empire at his fingertips and a fanbase ready to ride, Nico steps onto the court as the highest-paid (in store credit) athlete in college history. Whether this is the beginning of a retail revolution in sports or just an epic flex, one thing’s for sure—he’s about to roll back the competition.
